The Ten Loves of Nishino by Hiromi Kawakami

Author:Hiromi Kawakami
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Europa Editions
Published: 2019-04-28T16:00:00+00:00

A sense of discomfort. I don’t think I ever called it that. But the entire time I was in love with Nishino, I always felt a bit unsettled. A small but concentrated and stubbornly persistent ache, like a knot.

My sister died at the end of summer, Nishino told me softly that day.

Really? I whispered. It was the first time he had mentioned it. Nishino hardly ever talked about himself.

Tentatively, I stroked the top of Nishino’s head.

While I was on my way to stay at a friend’s beach house, my sister killed herself by taking poison, in a nearby field. If only I had been home, I would have noticed. But I had gone to the beach house. Nishino spoke in the same monotone as always.

When they found her, it was too late. My sister was dead.

I continued stroking Nishino’s head attentively. He didn’t say anything more. I remained silent.

For the first time since falling in love with Nishino, I began to doubt him.

Maybe Nishino was incapable of love.

This had never occurred to me—not when he thought nothing of sleeping with other girls, not when I caught him telling little white lies.

Something like cool air seemed to emanate from Nishino’s body. The truth was, before he told me about his sister’s suicide, that chill must have always been present, like a thin, sharp wisp. But I had pretended not to notice it. I hadn’t even been aware of my own effort.

Such profound depths this poor guy has, I thought, forlornly.

Nishino. I called his name.

What is it, Rei?

I love you. I loved you.

What? Nishino’s eyes widened. Why did you use the past tense?

Because I can’t love you anymore, I told him honestly. I couldn’t say it any other way.

Why? Nishino sat up. I gazed sadly at the taut muscles in his stomach and chest.

I’m sorry.

Is it because I wasn’t faithful? Nishino asked.

Maybe . . . I replied. But I knew very well that it wasn’t.

I’m sorry. I won’t sleep with other girls anymore. I promise I won’t, Nishino cried out.

I was startled. I hadn’t thought that he cared enough about me to shout like that. I had assumed he cared a little. But I knew that he wasn’t crazy in love with me.

I loved you, I repeated. Just as forlornly as before.

Rei, is it really too late? Come on, how can it be?

Nishino was crying.

I didn’t know how much I loved you, Rei, he said through his tears.

I love you, Rei.

I’m sorry, I said firmly.

Deep in my heart, I wondered whether a girl existed in the world who was kind and strong enough to love Nishino. Perhaps. It was unlikely.

I felt sorry for Nishino, and almost started crying. But I steeled myself. At the same time, I remembered the cool air that had emanated from Nishino just before, and I shivered for real.

I wanted to flee from Nishino as quickly as possible. This desire welled up from the bottom of my heart. I still couldn’t put my finger on what that sense of discomfort was—all I knew for sure was that it was present.

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